Will I ever be a father

I would say, maybe a year ago or more,  I found out that I was unable to have children.  Due to the condition of acromegaly,  and the way it caused the over production of my hormones and at times the fluctuation of the same hormones. My body wasn't functioning properly. My sperm count was low and as I often put it,"my joints don't swim up stream." Now, I've always been a person that did not show a great deal of emotional,  I could have a great tragedy accur in my life and you would not know unless I told you. So, no one close to me knew except a few. I pretended like it didn't bother men. And that i wasn't panicking. I held it together and told myself that I could fix this. I tried things with the aide of my doctor,  but could hep but feel an accumulation of emotions snd personal feeling about the situation. It did not help that friends and family where having children all around me.  I began wondering weather or not I was even fit to be a parent, and then wondering why those who abuse children continued to have children and I'm unable to have one. At one point, my thoughts got so deep, I thought about the function of life and how its main function is to reproduce and the mere fact that I was unable to meant that I am something that my not belong in nature and because so, I am unable to reproduce,  my bloodline is unable to go on.
I use to have this fear, that I would be one of those men who would always be alone. I would never be married or have children, two things I very much wanted and wanted to be apart of. I often thought how I would raise my children and model my family after the Cosby show. I often thought about how I would teach my children about their culture and life in general. Also how I would react to there friends and boyfriends and girlfriends.  I often look at my friends and their relationships with there children and what I thought was good and what I thought wasn't. And how I would apply them to raise my child.
I often worry that, because I am unable to have children will Tiqua no longer want to be with me. And that she may decide to go find someone else.
As I consult my doctor on what it is I should do, and I'm reading and doing my own research on what I can do naturally. I'm trying to change my mind state,  and only allow positive vibes and thougghts in. I talk to myself as if I already have a child, as though I'm already a father. I'm eating right, and exercising. I prayed about it and left it in gods hands and taken the worry and fear out of it.

Duplicity

Its as if we're somnolent, be roused form a long slumber, with feelings of disorientation, bewilderment and confusion, making it difficult to reason and think clearly. Ensnared by our partiality, Our eyes still swollen shut and vision blurred, a destitute of vision by our predilection,  wishing we were still sleep, suspended from consciousness, not wanting to face reality and like the allegory of the cave, we create a false sense of wide spread fallacy.  Easily subjected to ambiguous and obscure rhetoric, effectual phraseology that tugs on our emotional  coattails and plays on our feelings and hearts strings. Barely able to focus on the whites of their mischievous Cheshire grins, while dizzy from the circles in their speech,  without proper balance it seems that we cannot find truth to stand on and often easily mislead in the wrong direction and hard to be lead in the right. And as we seek others for a compassionate, forbearing, discerning,  and sympathetic response we find that everyone around us is a state of somnambulation. Wondering through life unconsciously, with a lack of strength to their grasp, a frail, faint, lachadasical ownership of reality, in fact,  the constructs of reality are of a mere illusion,  of electrical impulse arranged in paterns that depicts audio, visual, tactile,  and ofactory hallucinations! And the illussion is that tend to hold on to the wretchedness, the despair and despondency as if there were some notability there. Suffering from the delusions that the creator will grant us with the continual torment of our misguided purpose, and the false security we find in others who blindly authenticate this mendacious reasoning,  and so, we continue to find ourselves victim to the duplicity of others. And the duplicity of ourselves.
I'm just saying.....

One Of My Favorite Poems

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?

A quick excursion

Peep the ambiance, I'm at work sitting in my cubicle staring at computer screens for 10 hrs, and hearing bells and dinging. I break out my lunch, a fresh green salad as I cut up avocado and squeezed the juice from a freshly cut lime on top. At that very moment, maybe from the feeling of eating fresh veggies, I decided to sneak out side. I ask one of my co-worker to cover for me and I grabbed my sweat shirt, my iPod, and phone and broke out.I found myself standing on the top of the companies garage with my iPod pumping Dave Dallas,"Caught in a daze" through my all black skull candies as I watch the sunset. There was something peace and serene about standing there on top of a building watching the sun slowly ascend behind the surrounding mountain range. As I got caught in the moment, and forgot where I am, and began to feel the warmth of the sun raise. Life is good!Well, I've been out here long enough, it's getting cold and plus, I'm suppose to be working, so, I better get back before the notice I'm gone.Peace

It's 2013

Hello everyone, its been a very long time since my last post and in the fifth day of this new year, I've made what many of us call new years resolutions and mottos. Many of which I will keep to myself for the time being, and two I will share with you right now.
The first is to spend more time writing,  I have several projects that I've neglected this past year, one of which is this blog. When I first began this, my life was change dramatically and my perspective of life had changed and suddenly it seems to be happened again. I find myself often questioning whats really important and wanting to change old paradigms. In this new year I want to be more expressive and this blog is definitely the best way to do it. I feel that my life is full of excitement and adventure and pray that I'm endowed with the words needed to express that property to you .
The second, is to watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible. In these days and times,  life seems to move so fast. Every moment of everyday we are bombarded with so much,  so, I think if I spend the first and last hour to get focused and refocused I believe that it'll improve the quality of my life. How often do we pay attention to the world around us. .. When was the last time you looked at the sky and noticed the different shades of blue, or the trees and admired the deep green of its leaves. If you were to go blind while reading this, never to see anything again,  could you recall what the sun looked like as it starts its journey across the sky, or what it looked like when the sun retires for the night.

I was a super hero

I remember as a kid, I had a big imagination which allowed me to escape from the harsh realities of the real world at times. And as a kid I often dreamt of being a super hero, and often thought to myself that life was harsh because it was part of my journey to becoming a super hero and discovering my super powers. That was my justification, and rationalization for the way my world was. My mother caught on early, and used my childhood obsession to her advantage to get me to be a good kid. She would associate each vegetable with a super heroes powers, like eat your spinach so you'll be strong like the hulk, eat your carrots so you'll be able to see through walls like superman, things like that. I could remember wearing my superman under Roo's and tying a towel around my neck to make a cape, running around the house, jumping off the couches and pretending I could fly. My mom gave me my out super hero name then, it was "Ant-Man." As I got older I got bigger which perpetuated my super hero theory and by the time I was in six grade I was 6 ft and probably about 150lbs. I was bigger, stronger, and faster than all the other kids I knew. And I had created a story of where I came from, You see at this time in my life, I wasn't from earth, I was from a small planet named Lovetron. I created this story of how my planet was in turmoil, and was near destruction. And I the next to sit on the throne and rule my people, was of great importance. So, right before my planet was destroyed, my mother and father put me into a capsule and sent me plummeting through space, where I came to earth and landed in the hood, in my earth mothers back yard. I was just a baby the and she took me in a raised me as her own, she was the only mother I knew until I discover my true identity. And I would live amongst the human race as their guardian. Does thus story sound familiar? I admit I have some influence for the story, and as my life grew so did my story. It's fun to dream....

Here we go again

Lately, I've been feeling bad all over again, and with a laundry list of bad feeling sometimes I rather keep to myself, as I feel that I will become the person that is constantly all gloom and doom. But everything I read says that its better to clear the air, and get your feeling out instead of bottling them, so here I go. The first is feeling tired and sometimes I get so sleepy that there's nothing that can keep me from falling asleep. And I get plenty of rest, at least I feel like it. But, in the middle of the day I get so sleepy and struggle with staying awake. I also, seem to get tired faster why playing basketball, I hope that it's just my need to maybe work out more, but I wonder being that in the pool my wind is not the same as well. I use to be able to swim the length of the pool down and back without taking a breathe, and now I can only go half way and i have to come up for air.
The pain in my hips, knee's, and ankle have came back, But, there's also the sharp stabbing pain in my feet, and sometimes the feeling of losing circulation in my feel and the need to take my shoes off. Sometimes, I get sick to my stomach and I have this headaches that come and go, and oily, sweaty skin, it kinda annoying. Throughout the day I feel the need to wash my face several times to make me feel better. Then there's the facial hair, it grows at a ridiculous rate. I have to do a lot more grooming these days. More than I ever had to do in the past. and last night, I had this pain in my chest that scared me and almost brought tears to my eyes. at that moment I could he my doctor telling how he is worried that I may die from a heart attack on day. I would tell someone, but worried about what they may tell me, or the attention it may bring. I checked my blood pressure and it's kinda high one day, and then the next day it normal.
Then there's my Endocrinologist who just told me that he'll be leaving and he is referring my to another Dr.Which makes everything a little more scary, because I don't know this man, and I don't know what kind of effort he'll put forth for me. And you see I told him of how I was feeling and he explained that its the growth hormone that it causing it, and he had me do some blood tet to see where my levels were in case he had to adjust my medications before he left, and did not her from him, I tried calling all I wanted was to her something. I heard from his assistant, and she told me that everything seems to be ok. So, I asked her what does that mean and she said that my Growth hormone is a little high, but it should be OK. Now, I'm trying not to blow anything out of proportion, and just explain it the way it was given to me. So, from my understanding high, a little high is the same thing and not good. but, I'm not the doctor so, maybe I don't know and she not a doctor either, so what does that say about he info. But, she good and her attentions are good to, so let me not make it seem like she doesn't know what she talking aboout.
Maybe I'm just over reacting.....