Finding my purpose

Often, I sit around and think of the decisions I've made throughout my life and how they have effected where I am today and how those decisions are the soul reason why I am where I am today.  I chose this!  It's a bit confusing and a bit disheartening at the same time. On one hand I have a beautiful fiance and daughter, that I wouldn't change for the world. I feel as though there are ment to be part of my life, and my life up to now was preparation for my fiance and daughter. Then on the other I have no clue on my life's Mission or purpose,  I don't know how to look or where to begin to find it! I pray about it everyday, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm praying the wrong way or that there's something in my current state of life that I need to learn first. I wish I knew.
I'm currently reading a book called, "the purpose driven life," because i heardnwonderful things about it and it also was sugested to me as a way to find the answers I'm looking for. Todays chapter was centered around how you see your life and how you see your life can say alot about you, and then it went on to say how the bible says that life is a test. It reminded me of my childhood, we didn't have awhole lot, in fact we were poor. But my mother made the most of it. My step father became a crack head and it made it worse, being that the little we did have, he would sale to by crack. But during those times, I use to tell my self that god was using this life to test me, and to prepare me for my future,  God was making it hard for me now, so that in the future I would be able to appreciate what was in store for me. I think I lost that, I think I need to rediscover that mentality.  

Melon explosion my breakfast this morning

Feeling some kind of way

It's been awhile since I last posted anything. I've been enjoying my new baby girl and trying to change my life at the same time. Realizing that it's pretty difficult to change things and mostly on the part of others. It the other people who seem to trip you up and place road blocks in your path to what it is you desire. Yes, I do have fault in my own life, and I often sit and think. .. if only would have done this instead of this.... or, if I would've known.... or if I would have made my mind up along time ago to do this..... and then I think of what someone told me, there is no such thing as a could've, would've,  should've.  If so, that's what would've,  could've, and should've happened. And it's my job to take those events of my life and put them in order,  and try and make send of them.
And so looking back upon my life I'm realizing that it all was preparation for now, today,  and the wonderful life that is presented to me. And that I am, not just blessed,  but I'm honored to have a wonderful finance and a extremely beautiful baby. And I should not squander another moment of life with missed opportunities.

My Genesis; My birth

In the beginning,  a score and 15 years ago, on the 17Th day of the third month. In the year of 1978, in phoenix, AZ where the days are scorching and the nights are just as hot, and thermometers read 110 degrees of dry head that will beat you into a state fatigue. From my understanding, My life almost ended several times before it began, and on the day of my conception once again it was in jeopardy. I remember a story of on day my father beating my mother with a tire iron, and she having to be hospitalized with all her fingers broken for protecting her pregnant belly.
This day much like any other day, in the spring of the phoenix metro area, the sun peaked its head from behind the surrounding mountain ranges. In all its might shinning upon our small suburban neighbourhood, as the heat began to release the water from a state of condensation back to vapors, and the fragrance of morning dew filled the air, while the sound of chirping birds were everywhere. The world slowly began to wake up and start moving, you heard the starting of car engines as people were leaving their homes to go to their jobs.
My mother, who had been sent home from the hospital the night before, because she had not dilated fully yet, and labored for 24 hours, she was told to go home, eat and take medicine prescribe by her doctor. On this bright sunny day, as my mother laid in her home with the sensations of illness that crept up inside her while experiencing  the titillation of pain. Unable to enjoy the beauty of the day, layed my mother feeling gloomy and under the weather. As a few clouds appeared in distances of the sky, and the temperature seem to drop a few degrees. A light breezes could be felt, as the sound of bird chirping began to dissipate as time went on. Her mood seemed to mirror the complexity of the sky as she fall ever so slightly in the sensation of pain and the storm began to manifest inside her. The world slowly began to darken, and  the skies hue became gray. Each cloud formation began to grow in size and large enough that the sun would hide behind them for sort periods at a time, and while the sun went into hiding, the temperture would drop and the light breezes became gust of wind. My mother not feeling well and with a since of impending dom, she went to see the doctor, the strange and confusing feelings she was experiencing was that of me growing ill and suffocating inside her, her doctor rushed her to surgery. By this time the pain turn to torment and her cries rang out, beckoning the storm. With each cry came the crack of thunder and the winds at full strength pull trees out of the ground by their roots and the rest of the city sought refuge and shelter inside. With each explosion of thunder,  the ground shook and the windows vibate. The lightening danced across the sky. “Ohh God!” my my mother shouted, she felt the pain of death, as my little fingers begsn to weaken and I began to loose my grip on life. The nurses and doctors tried to comfort her and assure that everything will be alright. While frantically prepping her for surgery. The roar of the thunder echo out as the each sound of thunder became more frequent, and seemed to be getting closer. The surgical lights refracted of the cold surgical steel of the scalpel, and like the lightening that struck the earth’s surface, the gleam of blue as the cold surgical steel opened my mother's belly.and the flood gates of heaven open and out poured the rain, and the vibration of each drop colliding with the ground sounded like hand claps as the world applauded the arrival of a new child.
  I like to say that I came into this world with a storm, as my mother tells me the story of how it was a beautiful day when she went to the hospital, and when she came to after the surgery, the city was in shambles, because of the storm of 78, that destroyed the city.

I need to get it together

As I sit here, thinking of the task ahead of me. The dreading of feeling the needle piercing my skin, and the sharp pain as I push the medicine into my flesh. and upon pulling the one of the largest needle you'll ever see out of my skin I can feel and see my flesh cling to the needle,  followed by a small gush of blood. Followed by the lack of ambition and all I want to do is go and lay down somewhere. I have neglected to take my Acromegaly Medicine for a few months now. I have the medicine in my bag as I keep thinking of the process, in my mind I think that I have to go take this medicine, but then it's immediately followed by the the thought. 
This medicine is very important as far a health is concerned, and I know this, as I feel slight chest pain. In fact, I allowed my health conscientious to waver. I haven't been eating as well as I should and I haven't been drinking water as I should. I really need to get it back together. Ok, I'm off to take this medicine now, I have to get it together.

Will I ever be a father

I would say, maybe a year ago or more,  I found out that I was unable to have children.  Due to the condition of acromegaly,  and the way it caused the over production of my hormones and at times the fluctuation of the same hormones. My body wasn't functioning properly. My sperm count was low and as I often put it,"my joints don't swim up stream." Now, I've always been a person that did not show a great deal of emotional,  I could have a great tragedy accur in my life and you would not know unless I told you. So, no one close to me knew except a few. I pretended like it didn't bother men. And that i wasn't panicking. I held it together and told myself that I could fix this. I tried things with the aide of my doctor,  but could hep but feel an accumulation of emotions snd personal feeling about the situation. It did not help that friends and family where having children all around me.  I began wondering weather or not I was even fit to be a parent, and then wondering why those who abuse children continued to have children and I'm unable to have one. At one point, my thoughts got so deep, I thought about the function of life and how its main function is to reproduce and the mere fact that I was unable to meant that I am something that my not belong in nature and because so, I am unable to reproduce,  my bloodline is unable to go on.
I use to have this fear, that I would be one of those men who would always be alone. I would never be married or have children, two things I very much wanted and wanted to be apart of. I often thought how I would raise my children and model my family after the Cosby show. I often thought about how I would teach my children about their culture and life in general. Also how I would react to there friends and boyfriends and girlfriends.  I often look at my friends and their relationships with there children and what I thought was good and what I thought wasn't. And how I would apply them to raise my child.
I often worry that, because I am unable to have children will Tiqua no longer want to be with me. And that she may decide to go find someone else.
As I consult my doctor on what it is I should do, and I'm reading and doing my own research on what I can do naturally. I'm trying to change my mind state,  and only allow positive vibes and thougghts in. I talk to myself as if I already have a child, as though I'm already a father. I'm eating right, and exercising. I prayed about it and left it in gods hands and taken the worry and fear out of it.

Duplicity

Its as if we're somnolent, be roused form a long slumber, with feelings of disorientation, bewilderment and confusion, making it difficult to reason and think clearly. Ensnared by our partiality, Our eyes still swollen shut and vision blurred, a destitute of vision by our predilection,  wishing we were still sleep, suspended from consciousness, not wanting to face reality and like the allegory of the cave, we create a false sense of wide spread fallacy.  Easily subjected to ambiguous and obscure rhetoric, effectual phraseology that tugs on our emotional  coattails and plays on our feelings and hearts strings. Barely able to focus on the whites of their mischievous Cheshire grins, while dizzy from the circles in their speech,  without proper balance it seems that we cannot find truth to stand on and often easily mislead in the wrong direction and hard to be lead in the right. And as we seek others for a compassionate, forbearing, discerning,  and sympathetic response we find that everyone around us is a state of somnambulation. Wondering through life unconsciously, with a lack of strength to their grasp, a frail, faint, lachadasical ownership of reality, in fact,  the constructs of reality are of a mere illusion,  of electrical impulse arranged in paterns that depicts audio, visual, tactile,  and ofactory hallucinations! And the illussion is that tend to hold on to the wretchedness, the despair and despondency as if there were some notability there. Suffering from the delusions that the creator will grant us with the continual torment of our misguided purpose, and the false security we find in others who blindly authenticate this mendacious reasoning,  and so, we continue to find ourselves victim to the duplicity of others. And the duplicity of ourselves.
I'm just saying.....