Accomplishing goals

As I try and discover and rediscover myself and my dreams, my strengths, my gifts,  my purpose. I'm going to do the I do as a child that brought me joy. Today's goal,  "draw something"

Today

As i get ready to settle in for the night, and i reflect of the day. I accomplished my first day with a limited amount od sugar,  that was basically all fruit and a beautiful salad of fresh raw vegetables.  And i washed it all down with mango andnginger water.
I, however,  have been dealing with alot of pain in my foot. The pain seems to be located in the joint where my big toe connects to my foot. I'm wondering if its a acromegaly thing being that its a joint and i honesty didn't do anything to cause it.
I am alittle worried because i am trying to get a new job, and this job depends alot on me being able to run and work out and as of right now, i really can't do so.
But,  I'm going to remain positive and remember that something wonderful is going to happen to me soon. I just have to think positively and keep working at it.

Finding my purpose

Often, I sit around and think of the decisions I've made throughout my life and how they have effected where I am today and how those decisions are the soul reason why I am where I am today.  I chose this!  It's a bit confusing and a bit disheartening at the same time. On one hand I have a beautiful fiance and daughter, that I wouldn't change for the world. I feel as though there are ment to be part of my life, and my life up to now was preparation for my fiance and daughter. Then on the other I have no clue on my life's Mission or purpose,  I don't know how to look or where to begin to find it! I pray about it everyday, but I can't help but think that maybe I'm praying the wrong way or that there's something in my current state of life that I need to learn first. I wish I knew.
I'm currently reading a book called, "the purpose driven life," because i heardnwonderful things about it and it also was sugested to me as a way to find the answers I'm looking for. Todays chapter was centered around how you see your life and how you see your life can say alot about you, and then it went on to say how the bible says that life is a test. It reminded me of my childhood, we didn't have awhole lot, in fact we were poor. But my mother made the most of it. My step father became a crack head and it made it worse, being that the little we did have, he would sale to by crack. But during those times, I use to tell my self that god was using this life to test me, and to prepare me for my future,  God was making it hard for me now, so that in the future I would be able to appreciate what was in store for me. I think I lost that, I think I need to rediscover that mentality.  

Melon explosion my breakfast this morning

Feeling some kind of way

It's been awhile since I last posted anything. I've been enjoying my new baby girl and trying to change my life at the same time. Realizing that it's pretty difficult to change things and mostly on the part of others. It the other people who seem to trip you up and place road blocks in your path to what it is you desire. Yes, I do have fault in my own life, and I often sit and think. .. if only would have done this instead of this.... or, if I would've known.... or if I would have made my mind up along time ago to do this..... and then I think of what someone told me, there is no such thing as a could've, would've,  should've.  If so, that's what would've,  could've, and should've happened. And it's my job to take those events of my life and put them in order,  and try and make send of them.
And so looking back upon my life I'm realizing that it all was preparation for now, today,  and the wonderful life that is presented to me. And that I am, not just blessed,  but I'm honored to have a wonderful finance and a extremely beautiful baby. And I should not squander another moment of life with missed opportunities.

My Genesis; My birth

In the beginning,  a score and 15 years ago, on the 17Th day of the third month. In the year of 1978, in phoenix, AZ where the days are scorching and the nights are just as hot, and thermometers read 110 degrees of dry head that will beat you into a state fatigue. From my understanding, My life almost ended several times before it began, and on the day of my conception once again it was in jeopardy. I remember a story of on day my father beating my mother with a tire iron, and she having to be hospitalized with all her fingers broken for protecting her pregnant belly.
This day much like any other day, in the spring of the phoenix metro area, the sun peaked its head from behind the surrounding mountain ranges. In all its might shinning upon our small suburban neighbourhood, as the heat began to release the water from a state of condensation back to vapors, and the fragrance of morning dew filled the air, while the sound of chirping birds were everywhere. The world slowly began to wake up and start moving, you heard the starting of car engines as people were leaving their homes to go to their jobs.
My mother, who had been sent home from the hospital the night before, because she had not dilated fully yet, and labored for 24 hours, she was told to go home, eat and take medicine prescribe by her doctor. On this bright sunny day, as my mother laid in her home with the sensations of illness that crept up inside her while experiencing  the titillation of pain. Unable to enjoy the beauty of the day, layed my mother feeling gloomy and under the weather. As a few clouds appeared in distances of the sky, and the temperature seem to drop a few degrees. A light breezes could be felt, as the sound of bird chirping began to dissipate as time went on. Her mood seemed to mirror the complexity of the sky as she fall ever so slightly in the sensation of pain and the storm began to manifest inside her. The world slowly began to darken, and  the skies hue became gray. Each cloud formation began to grow in size and large enough that the sun would hide behind them for sort periods at a time, and while the sun went into hiding, the temperture would drop and the light breezes became gust of wind. My mother not feeling well and with a since of impending dom, she went to see the doctor, the strange and confusing feelings she was experiencing was that of me growing ill and suffocating inside her, her doctor rushed her to surgery. By this time the pain turn to torment and her cries rang out, beckoning the storm. With each cry came the crack of thunder and the winds at full strength pull trees out of the ground by their roots and the rest of the city sought refuge and shelter inside. With each explosion of thunder,  the ground shook and the windows vibate. The lightening danced across the sky. “Ohh God!” my my mother shouted, she felt the pain of death, as my little fingers begsn to weaken and I began to loose my grip on life. The nurses and doctors tried to comfort her and assure that everything will be alright. While frantically prepping her for surgery. The roar of the thunder echo out as the each sound of thunder became more frequent, and seemed to be getting closer. The surgical lights refracted of the cold surgical steel of the scalpel, and like the lightening that struck the earth’s surface, the gleam of blue as the cold surgical steel opened my mother's belly.and the flood gates of heaven open and out poured the rain, and the vibration of each drop colliding with the ground sounded like hand claps as the world applauded the arrival of a new child.
  I like to say that I came into this world with a storm, as my mother tells me the story of how it was a beautiful day when she went to the hospital, and when she came to after the surgery, the city was in shambles, because of the storm of 78, that destroyed the city.

I need to get it together

As I sit here, thinking of the task ahead of me. The dreading of feeling the needle piercing my skin, and the sharp pain as I push the medicine into my flesh. and upon pulling the one of the largest needle you'll ever see out of my skin I can feel and see my flesh cling to the needle,  followed by a small gush of blood. Followed by the lack of ambition and all I want to do is go and lay down somewhere. I have neglected to take my Acromegaly Medicine for a few months now. I have the medicine in my bag as I keep thinking of the process, in my mind I think that I have to go take this medicine, but then it's immediately followed by the the thought. 
This medicine is very important as far a health is concerned, and I know this, as I feel slight chest pain. In fact, I allowed my health conscientious to waver. I haven't been eating as well as I should and I haven't been drinking water as I should. I really need to get it back together. Ok, I'm off to take this medicine now, I have to get it together.

Will I ever be a father

I would say, maybe a year ago or more,  I found out that I was unable to have children.  Due to the condition of acromegaly,  and the way it caused the over production of my hormones and at times the fluctuation of the same hormones. My body wasn't functioning properly. My sperm count was low and as I often put it,"my joints don't swim up stream." Now, I've always been a person that did not show a great deal of emotional,  I could have a great tragedy accur in my life and you would not know unless I told you. So, no one close to me knew except a few. I pretended like it didn't bother men. And that i wasn't panicking. I held it together and told myself that I could fix this. I tried things with the aide of my doctor,  but could hep but feel an accumulation of emotions snd personal feeling about the situation. It did not help that friends and family where having children all around me.  I began wondering weather or not I was even fit to be a parent, and then wondering why those who abuse children continued to have children and I'm unable to have one. At one point, my thoughts got so deep, I thought about the function of life and how its main function is to reproduce and the mere fact that I was unable to meant that I am something that my not belong in nature and because so, I am unable to reproduce,  my bloodline is unable to go on.
I use to have this fear, that I would be one of those men who would always be alone. I would never be married or have children, two things I very much wanted and wanted to be apart of. I often thought how I would raise my children and model my family after the Cosby show. I often thought about how I would teach my children about their culture and life in general. Also how I would react to there friends and boyfriends and girlfriends.  I often look at my friends and their relationships with there children and what I thought was good and what I thought wasn't. And how I would apply them to raise my child.
I often worry that, because I am unable to have children will Tiqua no longer want to be with me. And that she may decide to go find someone else.
As I consult my doctor on what it is I should do, and I'm reading and doing my own research on what I can do naturally. I'm trying to change my mind state,  and only allow positive vibes and thougghts in. I talk to myself as if I already have a child, as though I'm already a father. I'm eating right, and exercising. I prayed about it and left it in gods hands and taken the worry and fear out of it.

Duplicity

Its as if we're somnolent, be roused form a long slumber, with feelings of disorientation, bewilderment and confusion, making it difficult to reason and think clearly. Ensnared by our partiality, Our eyes still swollen shut and vision blurred, a destitute of vision by our predilection,  wishing we were still sleep, suspended from consciousness, not wanting to face reality and like the allegory of the cave, we create a false sense of wide spread fallacy.  Easily subjected to ambiguous and obscure rhetoric, effectual phraseology that tugs on our emotional  coattails and plays on our feelings and hearts strings. Barely able to focus on the whites of their mischievous Cheshire grins, while dizzy from the circles in their speech,  without proper balance it seems that we cannot find truth to stand on and often easily mislead in the wrong direction and hard to be lead in the right. And as we seek others for a compassionate, forbearing, discerning,  and sympathetic response we find that everyone around us is a state of somnambulation. Wondering through life unconsciously, with a lack of strength to their grasp, a frail, faint, lachadasical ownership of reality, in fact,  the constructs of reality are of a mere illusion,  of electrical impulse arranged in paterns that depicts audio, visual, tactile,  and ofactory hallucinations! And the illussion is that tend to hold on to the wretchedness, the despair and despondency as if there were some notability there. Suffering from the delusions that the creator will grant us with the continual torment of our misguided purpose, and the false security we find in others who blindly authenticate this mendacious reasoning,  and so, we continue to find ourselves victim to the duplicity of others. And the duplicity of ourselves.
I'm just saying.....

One Of My Favorite Poems

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?

A quick excursion

Peep the ambiance, I'm at work sitting in my cubicle staring at computer screens for 10 hrs, and hearing bells and dinging. I break out my lunch, a fresh green salad as I cut up avocado and squeezed the juice from a freshly cut lime on top. At that very moment, maybe from the feeling of eating fresh veggies, I decided to sneak out side. I ask one of my co-worker to cover for me and I grabbed my sweat shirt, my iPod, and phone and broke out.I found myself standing on the top of the companies garage with my iPod pumping Dave Dallas,"Caught in a daze" through my all black skull candies as I watch the sunset. There was something peace and serene about standing there on top of a building watching the sun slowly ascend behind the surrounding mountain range. As I got caught in the moment, and forgot where I am, and began to feel the warmth of the sun raise. Life is good!Well, I've been out here long enough, it's getting cold and plus, I'm suppose to be working, so, I better get back before the notice I'm gone.Peace

It's 2013

Hello everyone, its been a very long time since my last post and in the fifth day of this new year, I've made what many of us call new years resolutions and mottos. Many of which I will keep to myself for the time being, and two I will share with you right now.
The first is to spend more time writing,  I have several projects that I've neglected this past year, one of which is this blog. When I first began this, my life was change dramatically and my perspective of life had changed and suddenly it seems to be happened again. I find myself often questioning whats really important and wanting to change old paradigms. In this new year I want to be more expressive and this blog is definitely the best way to do it. I feel that my life is full of excitement and adventure and pray that I'm endowed with the words needed to express that property to you .
The second, is to watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible. In these days and times,  life seems to move so fast. Every moment of everyday we are bombarded with so much,  so, I think if I spend the first and last hour to get focused and refocused I believe that it'll improve the quality of my life. How often do we pay attention to the world around us. .. When was the last time you looked at the sky and noticed the different shades of blue, or the trees and admired the deep green of its leaves. If you were to go blind while reading this, never to see anything again,  could you recall what the sun looked like as it starts its journey across the sky, or what it looked like when the sun retires for the night.

I was a super hero

I remember as a kid, I had a big imagination which allowed me to escape from the harsh realities of the real world at times. And as a kid I often dreamt of being a super hero, and often thought to myself that life was harsh because it was part of my journey to becoming a super hero and discovering my super powers. That was my justification, and rationalization for the way my world was. My mother caught on early, and used my childhood obsession to her advantage to get me to be a good kid. She would associate each vegetable with a super heroes powers, like eat your spinach so you'll be strong like the hulk, eat your carrots so you'll be able to see through walls like superman, things like that. I could remember wearing my superman under Roo's and tying a towel around my neck to make a cape, running around the house, jumping off the couches and pretending I could fly. My mom gave me my out super hero name then, it was "Ant-Man." As I got older I got bigger which perpetuated my super hero theory and by the time I was in six grade I was 6 ft and probably about 150lbs. I was bigger, stronger, and faster than all the other kids I knew. And I had created a story of where I came from, You see at this time in my life, I wasn't from earth, I was from a small planet named Lovetron. I created this story of how my planet was in turmoil, and was near destruction. And I the next to sit on the throne and rule my people, was of great importance. So, right before my planet was destroyed, my mother and father put me into a capsule and sent me plummeting through space, where I came to earth and landed in the hood, in my earth mothers back yard. I was just a baby the and she took me in a raised me as her own, she was the only mother I knew until I discover my true identity. And I would live amongst the human race as their guardian. Does thus story sound familiar? I admit I have some influence for the story, and as my life grew so did my story. It's fun to dream....

Here we go again

Lately, I've been feeling bad all over again, and with a laundry list of bad feeling sometimes I rather keep to myself, as I feel that I will become the person that is constantly all gloom and doom. But everything I read says that its better to clear the air, and get your feeling out instead of bottling them, so here I go. The first is feeling tired and sometimes I get so sleepy that there's nothing that can keep me from falling asleep. And I get plenty of rest, at least I feel like it. But, in the middle of the day I get so sleepy and struggle with staying awake. I also, seem to get tired faster why playing basketball, I hope that it's just my need to maybe work out more, but I wonder being that in the pool my wind is not the same as well. I use to be able to swim the length of the pool down and back without taking a breathe, and now I can only go half way and i have to come up for air.
The pain in my hips, knee's, and ankle have came back, But, there's also the sharp stabbing pain in my feet, and sometimes the feeling of losing circulation in my feel and the need to take my shoes off. Sometimes, I get sick to my stomach and I have this headaches that come and go, and oily, sweaty skin, it kinda annoying. Throughout the day I feel the need to wash my face several times to make me feel better. Then there's the facial hair, it grows at a ridiculous rate. I have to do a lot more grooming these days. More than I ever had to do in the past. and last night, I had this pain in my chest that scared me and almost brought tears to my eyes. at that moment I could he my doctor telling how he is worried that I may die from a heart attack on day. I would tell someone, but worried about what they may tell me, or the attention it may bring. I checked my blood pressure and it's kinda high one day, and then the next day it normal.
Then there's my Endocrinologist who just told me that he'll be leaving and he is referring my to another Dr.Which makes everything a little more scary, because I don't know this man, and I don't know what kind of effort he'll put forth for me. And you see I told him of how I was feeling and he explained that its the growth hormone that it causing it, and he had me do some blood tet to see where my levels were in case he had to adjust my medications before he left, and did not her from him, I tried calling all I wanted was to her something. I heard from his assistant, and she told me that everything seems to be ok. So, I asked her what does that mean and she said that my Growth hormone is a little high, but it should be OK. Now, I'm trying not to blow anything out of proportion, and just explain it the way it was given to me. So, from my understanding high, a little high is the same thing and not good. but, I'm not the doctor so, maybe I don't know and she not a doctor either, so what does that say about he info. But, she good and her attentions are good to, so let me not make it seem like she doesn't know what she talking aboout.
Maybe I'm just over reacting.....

Today I went to play basketball with some old friends I haven't seen in a while, it was a blast though. The group of people we played with, were great, they just wanted to play ball. The games were competitive, and fun. They wasn't any complaining or fighting which seems to be the norm in most gym's.
I of course was the biggest person on the court, and they all let it be known. But, it was all in fun. There was a lot of smiles and laughyer. I did, however, feel tired out there and I work out enough where I shouldn't. And lately I been noticing at the gym that it seems that I'm not getting in better shape no matter how hard I work. And that I have these days when I feel so tired, and there's almost nothing I can do to keep from falling asleep. But, I don't want to let that stop me. Cause, I don't know when I won't be able to play any more.

When I first began this....

<p>When I first began this blog, I did not intend to share it with anyone. It was meant to help me understand&amp;#160; plus deal with a drastic life changing event, and to help me cope with it. So, in the beginning I began to write really personal things, and then, I began feeling... I have to be comfortable with it all, "this is my life," I thought to myself. The constant doctor visits, blood draws, MRI's, the pain, and uncomfortability. My daily routine of medication, and changing of my diet, and workout habits. Many of these changes, however, made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity of the mind, being that its no longer clouded with the junk that I was putting in my body. So I decided to share with the world. The good and the bad. Now, I'm not going to lie, I was fearful of the response. I was putting myself out there, with no reservations. <br>
So, initially the attention I got was great. So many people responded and gave me such great feedback, and I began to want to have more and more people to continue to read it, and effect them in the same way. All that attention went to my head, and I got ahead of myself, and beside myself. So much so, that I put pressure on myself to continue to write post that command that type of response, and to keep the readers interested.&#160; I began to struggle with what to say, and at the same time I had all these feeling swelling up in my, that I thought were not attractive enough, but I needed to get out. But then I realize that not many people really did not care, and I was writting for no one, cause no one was listening. So I need to write for myself. Write what I feel, what I'm struggling with, and what I'm going through.
I am reminded, of something I read about taking advantage of the time you have, not to leave anything to waste. You never know how much time you have in this world, it could all end tomorrow. So, how do you want to be remembered? And what do you want to be remembered for?

Thinking about my pops

First, allow me to say that I know that what I'm about to say may not be well received, and I truly understand that. I would hate to offend anyone, and would like those reading this to understand, that these are my feelings and personal experiences and these things shaped me as the person I hope you all love.
One day, while driving through the city with my cousin sitting in the passenger seat. As we passed a grave yard, he turns to me and ask, "Yo cuzz, do you think they ever run out of room?" I pondered the question for a few seconds, and then responded, " I don't know!". The question made me think of my loved ones who passed away and how it seems that they've become the forgotten over time. Then we began to talk about what it would be like when we die, would anyone care, would they come to the funeral, and how long until we're forgotten. Then the conversation some how changed to the subject of my father and his passing.
Now, I hate to sound cliche-ish, But like most black men I know, I grew up without a father in my life. Life was hard without a father, but I had a small group of friend who share in my lack of there of, and we banded together, and watched over eachother. But, no matter how hard we acted and pretend we didn't need a father it still affected us. I could remember all the other kids fathers hanging around their football and basketball practices, teaching them how to through a football or shoot a basketball. Sitting in the stands at their games cheering on the sons during the games. A feeling unfamiliar to me, but I often thought about how it felt.
I still remember the night we left my father , when moms bounced on old man, in the middle of the night, my mother waking me and we grabbing whatever we can carry and getting into a car and leaving. At the time I had no idea of what really was happening. And as an adult, I know that, my mom was escaping, I was somewhere around 4 yrs old. I'm not saying I didn't know who he was, I knew him, from when I was a really young child, and I can still remember some of those days. I could remember such things as the incredible record collection my father had, sitting in the passenger seat of his Cadillac and listening to "double dutch bus" on 8track with my dad, and which is still one of my favorite songs ever. So even though, I was raised without a father, I still have really good memories of him. As, I got older, I seen less and less of him, until it was almost not at all, but I did see him at my grandma's funeral, then he came to my high school graduation, and he also came to watch me play basketball in college. I was always aware of the struggles mother had to deal with raising two kids without my father around, and not only admired her for that, I looked up too her.  She tried to do some of the things I wanted him there for, and tried hard to teach me to be a man. I think she did a wonderful job. And inspite of all that, she never taught me to hate my father, and if I said anything negative about him she was quick to correct that. I always cherished the things my father told me and the memories I had from my father, I do admit that from time to time, I did become very angery with him for not being there, and from the time when he told me that I was to old to have a relationship with me. I was crushed, devastated. Then not to long ago, my father passed away, he actually was shot protecting a friend. And my family explaining to me that that was how he was, a trait I often find within myself. The unfortunate thing was, that, that side of my family and I were not in contact with eachother, so they had no way tell my mom, sister, and I about that. so when we heard it was weeks later, and when we went to visit the grave site, my family could not aford a grave stone, so we were taking to a general area and told that he was burried somewhere around here! a hard thing to hear, and emotional event to go through. My mother took it especially hard. I could remember thinking that I was really alone, I didn't have a father before and now, I really don't have a father. Then, for those who know, and for those who don't, came my sudden diagnosis of Acromegaly, and my surgery to remove a tumor. And with this came alot of changes to my world. I think about my life now, being that I have acromegaly, and the undeniable effects it has on my life and the uncertainty, I would like to share that with my father, and then there's the thought of my demise and how that would be. if I would, like him, be allowed to lay in a field without a marker so that my loved ones could not find me.
Just a thought.....

Oh well

Today, I've been struggling with my back, as it has been causing me pain for the past two weeks. I tried to find the cause to why I'm in such pain and discomfort, but the truth is I really don't know why. I woke up one morning feeling wonderful and half way through the morning I felt the pain and delt with the struggle to move properly without pain.
I've tried ibuprofen, heat and ice. And all provided a temporary solution to a bigger problem, my back, comfort, and mobility. I'm kind of worried that it might be the something associated with me and the condition of acromegaly. As I have notice this feeling of being bloated and sharp pains in my stomach, a long with pain in my ankles. There's just something that is a little different with me and its just hard to explain it. And now I have this nagging pain in my lower back. On-line there was a mention of Vertebral disc dysfunction, and that could be a scary thing for me cause that a deterioration and progressive structural change to my back and could change a lot for me, enabling be to continue being so active.
I cant get down though, I have to be positive. Maybe, I just tweaked it and I just need to be patient and make sure i use proper posture and I'll be better in no time....

How funny

So, a day ago I was in the gym working out when a lady approach me. She introduce her self and said that her and a friend noticed me, and where talking about my size. And that she told her friend that she was going to ask me about it. Now, I thought to myself, that this was going to be the normal, "how tall are you?" " Do you play basketball?" Questions. And she began talking about my size and how unique it is and and my features and she explained that she is a physician and wonder if I have acromegaly, and wanted to make sure that I have someone helping me. I admit it took me by surprise, but I was not upset that she asked me that. I actually was kinda happy, she could see what a lot of people can't or choose not to. She them went on to explain that, being that I was and adult and the way that medicine was when I was a child and with HMO's it would've been easy for me to slip through the cracks and go unnoticed, and For me making it to adulthood without being diagnosed and treated. It was nice that she noticed.
She then apologized if she offended me, as she hurried of. I wasn't affended, not at all. But, then some guy, sitting a few chairs over began to express that he was offended for me. He said,"how dare she ask you that!" And hoe upset he would've been. But, then proceeds to ask me how tall am I, if I played basketball and that I should be in the pro's. As I thought to myself, "WoW!" And responded, "I'm retired," with a smile on my face.

excuse me

Well, I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the free blog world. In some regards, as an attempt to gather my thoughts and clear my mind of clutter and garbage. And also, to try and determine a direction I want my life to go. I've had a bit of a struggle go on within myself, as I try and find out what truly is important to me and in this world. Many, have their own opinions and beliefs. They'll fight to make theirs yours, and blindly suggest that any opposed thought, or one that does not coincide with there own is blasphemy. And many people have valid points of views and although many I share, I still hear the contradictions and fear that wasted time and effort on such things may distract me from the truth. Many simple talk to much to actually hear the truth and to hear the answer that goes without saying.
Life is truly too short to concern yourself with foolishness, and at the drop of a hat, your life can abruptly and suddenly stop and change. And that to me means that you should be realistic with yourself, and not perpetuate the immoralities and delusions of others just to fit within the parameters of society. Because, if there is one truism, it would be that ,"you came into this world by yourself and that is how you'll leave." And at some point you will be held accountable for the things you were apart of, which could be the final determination of blissfulness or a tormented soul.
I'm sorry for going H.A.M. This is just something I had to get out, and I truly wish all happiness, and peace.
-one