remenising on the past

So... Today, I'm thinking of my journey through life for these past two years, and I'm reminded of the time when I first learned of my affliction, although, I don't perceive it as so. I had a series of unfortunate events, that lead to the discovery of a tumor and ultimately save my life, or at least prolonged it. There was a lot speculation from my doctor, on whether or not I indeed, had the disease made famous by the Late Andre the Giant, and though the thought had been stained in the back of my mind, I  still hadn't realize that this is serious yet. It wasn't until I under went a few test that confirmed the diagnoses of Acromegaly.  He then explained to me, what exactly Acromegaly is, and how it effects my body as well as my health. He also explained that the recommended course of action was to have surgery, because of the size of the tumor and that it threatened my vision, also, that I was experiencing the side effects of the disease a lot quicker than expected. I remember that day clearly, after receiving the news, I left my doctors office. The was out, not a cloud in the sky. I recall the sound of birds chirping, and the world being so nice to me. I felt that everyone, including strangers were overwhelmingly nice to me. Everyone smiling at me, while I try to smile back, all the while, a swarm of emotions ran through me, the thought of the disease and surgery, and what it might mean for me, how I would tell my family, and what my future might be like after it was all done. I had a long time to think about it, as I had taken the the city bus that day, and not only did I have a long walk to the bus stop, I also had a long bus ride home. I don't recall the feeling of fear, and I thought maybe I should, and began wondering if something was wrong with me because I'm not scare. I might've had a brief sensation of worry, but I was pretty calm. By the time I made it home I was at peace with it all. I had rationalize it all in my head. You see, from the time I was a young man til now, who I am was because of this, and the wonderful things I've seen and done wad because of who I am. I had came to terms with it all, and was grateful for it all. I knew, however that I still had to explain it to my mom and my girlfriend, which I felt wouldn't be easy. So, first I explained it to my girlfriend and then my mother, and with both I could since the fear, and worry in the voice and facial expression, but both told me that my calmness and my attitude made it hard for them to panic.
I think the one of the biggest impacts, this situation had on me, was at a friend's party, shortly before my surgery. I'm not really sure what the party was for, but,it seemed like everyone was there. All of his family was there and a lot of friends from our childhood were there. It was a huge event. I remember, shortly into the party it became apparent to me that everyone knew my situation.They all knew that I had this brain tumor, and was having surgery to remove it. I remember feeling that everyone was treating me as if this was the last time they would ever see me again. I remember listening to everyone talking about me as if I was not there, as they all told their "remember when Anthony..." stories, and each person telling me how much the appreciated me and the person I was, as if that was going to end...They were telling me bye. All night, I was getting long embraced hugs, and kisses on the forehead. I felt like the spirit in the room that has yet realized that he's dead. Or that I should be on my death bed, and they all came to my room to share my last moments alive. It was odd and strange, a feeling I really did not like. I then thought that I should write my life down and share my experiences with others so that when I do go my memories lives on, long after.

Just a thought

I'm siting here in front of this computer,and I'm thinking to myself... I'm thinking about life and what it means to me and what it possibly means to everyone else. How is it that certain things become important to others and not to some? And how desperately we try to make the ones closes to us, feel what it is we love. Why do some of us become the most honest people in the world, while others become the most manipulating type of person they can be... What makes you, you... And what makes me, me...
I can attribute a lot of things to the way that we were raised, and the experiences that we have. I can remember specific events in my life that shape a thought process in a positive or negative way. And yet, someone can experience the same exact event and take it, in a completely opposite way.
 I can reduce most of the way I am down to my size and the fact I've been the largest person in my age group since sixth grade. Because of how people per-sieved me and how they reacted towards me. I can remember when I decided that I was not going to take advantage of it. That everything I do was going to be the opposite of what someone, who is a complete stranger would expect of me. And, to my surprise,  I would find out that people who claim to know me, would find my behavior unexpected as well. just a thought...

Well, today is going to be a rough day for me. I did not get hardly any sleep, I laid in bed until 3 a.m. and had to wake up at 5:30 a.m. So, I'm sitting here at work trying to keep my mind occupied. But, there's no doubt that I will make it. I, however, was thinking that I had been slacking on my health just a little bit... I was, as some doctors may call it, non compliant. I haven't been taking my medications and checking my blood pressures as I am suppose to. I just been a little tired, both physically and mentally. I know thats no excuse, I know! It just been getting to me a little. the same thing over and over again. Which none of which is pleasant at all. I often dred it. And today, is my day to get back on track. I'm taking all my medications today,I going to eat right today, and focus on what it is I have to do.

Shrek Has Acromegaly

So.... I had this thought... Well, as you may not know. I spend a lot of time reading up on Acromegaly, and trying to find some new information, and some answers. I sometime look at other people and wonder if they have it, and now I think that a lot of the characters I watched as a kid and most recently on TV have Acromegaly. I also, notice that I have a love for the characters who, are really big and at a first glance seem menacing and terrifying, but once you get to know them, you find that they are gentle and overall good hearted. Character such as Frankenstein, Mighty Joe Young, Lurch from the Adams family. 

This thought, began with Shrek actually. As I look at him and His large stature,. He has all the physical characteristic of Acromegaly..  Which made me think, "Shrek has Acromegaly!" Now, I could be wrong, but bear with me for a minute, and hopefully you'll began to understand why I even began this train of thought.

Living in a world where you look like no one, you have hard any examples to base your existence on. I always took to fantasy and in the back of my mind felt that I was something for a fair tale or and folk lore. I often wonder if after I'm gone will there be story of me and things that I did, and will it become folk lore. And then, I thought if I live in those days. and I who I am now, would most likely one of two people. I could've been the mighty hunter, the guy who goes into the forest and bring the village 50 elk, and or the kills the Lion who has been terrifying the village for days. Or I might've scared the average man, so much so, that I might've been forced to live in the wilderness, alone. There, I would be know as an Ogre. Back then, there was no treatment for Acromegaly, so I would've developed the characteristic of the disease much quickly than now, because there's was no treatment, they how no clue what it was. So, adding to the physical characteristics that I already have, I would also,  have an even wider chin and jaw and tongue, wide fingers and toe, excessive weight gain for no reason, even larger hands and feet, larger bones in the face causing deformities, excessive sweating, and body order. Doesn't that sound like Shrek, or better yet an Ogre. I would become and outcast, I would, most likely live in the woods or a swamp, and because of all this, I would become grouchy, and mean cause no one wants me. My hygiene would be even worst, cause I'm basically camping out for the rest of my life. And people would think its cool to go see the ogre, and that would definitely piss me of so, I would run them off and eventually resort to terrifying people in attempt to keep them away. Legends would build and I would become the Terrifying Ogre, who, eats people and would ever else peoples imagination could muster up. I know it may sound silly, I was just thinking about it and thought I should share it with you!

A convo with my elders

So often, when you have a condition as I have, it becomes easy to focus on the negative and not take notice to the positive. Every little ache or headache can easily become magnified. And frustration can creep upon you quickly.  I have not been feeling well these past two weeks, and when I sat down to write you tonight, I struggle not to say anything negative. But, today I had to much needed and special conversations today. I went to the gym and not feeling well, I struggled to complete my workout. I wanted to quick and just go home. I told my self that I had to finish no matter what. as a matter of fact, and old Jerry West Quote popped into my head, "if you only work hard on the days you feel good, you will not be successful. So, I gathered all I can mustar and finished it. As I was in the locker room, getting to dressed to leave, I was fortunate to have gotten swepted into a conversation, by two older gentlemen. Now, the Trayvon Martin case in still fresh in the minds of a lot of people. And these two brothas where having a conversation about that along with the life and time and the conditions throughout those times that the black man has faced. And I hate to loose you, by bringing up this topic, but from that conversation, and the presents of these men I felt not alone. To break it down, and to provide you with a visual of the seen. there was two men, one of which was in his 70's and the other in his 50's. and these brotha's where talking about that the Trayvon Martin case brought up memories from their childhood. the 70 year old man was from Boston, and talked about it from the perspective of living in one of the first intergrated places on the u.s soil. and seeing troops marching up and down his streets, and blacks living in one neighborhood and whites in another. The man in his 50's was from the L.A. and called account to all the riots and the the military marching his streets as well. He also, talked about the demise of the Black Panther Party, and the original purpose of the crips gang, and void in America for black men due to that. Then there was I, in my 30's reluctant to say anything cause for so long I've been made to feel as if the struggle I faced as a black man in my time frame eould not compare to these brotha's lives. Both of there stories where so... I can't think of words to describe,  and we they asked me of my childhood,  I began with the disclaimer, "I didn't have it as hard as you two. " Both of them said thing haven't really changed for black men and young black men.

I'm back

Today was a good day, I woke up and made myself and my girlfriend some breakfast. I took my medication and vitamins, and did my pushup and situps. I made it to work on time and had a smile on my face too.I contacted an academic counselor about enrolling in school and got some answers to my question, and tomorrow I will have even more. I also, got to see my artwork for these t-shirts I'm making as the start to my business. I even wrote a small post in my journal and writing a small post to my blog. The one thing I didn't do, was go to the gym. So, that will be something I have to make sure I do tomorrow
It was a good day, and thats alll I want to have, and i know its a mind state, and if I 
'm happy and focus on good things in my mind it transition to my physical life... Looking for more good days to come.
_salute!