So, my last visit to the Doctors was a good one I think. All my test where negative, kidneys are working fine and blood pressure was in good shape as well. I also got to ask my doctor a few question, which is why I said I think. I asked questions about my mortality, and he confirmed that this disease will decrease my mortality, but by how much I still don't know, and my doctor then told me that his biggest concerns is heart problems, and that's why all his test are focus mainly on the heart and how its holding up. He tells me that his focus is on my heart cause I could one day die from a heart attack. But, then ends the conversation with, "I think you'll be OK though!"
Then, he goes on to explain to me how good the care I'm getting and it basically is because of my insurance, which I get because of my job. Which is true, I don't know how I would survive without my insurance and the benefits of my job. He then goes on to tell me to not quite, and do what I need to do to rise up the ranks and keep this job so that I'm always taking care of. So, as I think about it, what a strange reality. I really need my job, me keeping my job is life or death. And when I go to work, it's not only for a paycheck, but it to live another day.
I wish I had a way to close this post and bring it all to ahead, and give you the reader something cleaver or thought provoking. Some kind of positive twist on the situation, but I don't. I don't really know how to take the situation, I know I have to keep moving forward, and keep trying to see the beauty in life. Stay motivated through my situation, and maintain some type of sanity.

Just thinking....

So, when I first started writing this blog, my attentions where not for this blog to be all gloom and doom, writing nothing but sad and depressing stories. I did, however, want to share a lot of personal feelings about my situation. And sometimes, gloom and doom, seems to be all there is.  And, in the beginning, I was still dealing with my new reality alone, with very little support. I have a lot of plans for my future and I'm working on them. Sometimes, without a clue of how to accomplish them... And my support system is there, but unsure that they know how to advise me on how to go about accomplishing what it is I desire. But, they are there none the less. Even though, I feel sometimes it doesn't matter what I do, as long as its not robbing people or anything criminal.
Sometimes, I struggle to find things to write about, cause, I don't want to loose your attention... But, I have to remember that it really it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks.  You see, I'm the one going through this everyday of my life. And I started writing this blog as away of coping with my new reality.  Knowing that most people could never really, and completely understand what I'm going through.
Initially, when I got the news of my diagnoses and the recommended course of action, I was in disbelief. But, I also had this overwhelming sense of peace and calmness. As if, God himself told me I would be ok. And in some respects, I think he did. But, I could see on my friends and loved ones faces that they thought the worste and it was hard to convince them that there wasn't anything to worry about. I could remember going to a party, and everyone was treating me like that would be the last time they would see me. Like, I was going to die. That was difficult, but, began to shape my new reality. Then, I had surgery and I began my road to recovery. But, soon learned, that your never free from this thing. And now that I'm in the second phase of treatment, I'm trying to find away to turn this seemingly negative thing, into a positive. And positive changes within my life.  And as I work on that, it seems that the negative is working itself out of my life.